Guilty

I had to re-feel it one more time..I have another grandmother. She used to check on my nails, are they cut

or kept long, everytime I visit her, since we don't live together. I am accostamed to that regular check now,

even though I resent it, hate it, and wonder about its significane to my grandmother!

But on this previous Wednesday, no nails were checked. What a weird hour I spent with grandma! There

was somehing else that makes it even stranger; but I couldn't tell immediately. She looked too thin, thinner

than a stick. Her hands were all bones covered by skin. My grandma looks too old than my last visit to her

several months ago.

I had another grandmother who passed away couple of years ago, still smell her everytime I walk in to her

room; and my alive grandma looks just like her now.

Mainly, I was visiting my sick father, and during all the time, he couldn't sit right where he was: he needed to

be next to his mother. I have seen my father so close to his mother, but that Wednesday my dad was too

compassionate with her. At one point, I asked him if he would like me to raise the voice of the TV and he

said yes; so I went to the TV to do so and while doing that I heard my grandma asking my dad of his name!

I just stared at her and forgot about the botton I'm pointing at. My dad noticed that I've heard her and just

gave me a quick glance: like he didn't want me to know that my grandmother is having Zohaimar.

Two days after that, never occured to my mind that topic. But on Friday, during a shower I just took; I

collapsed. I'm now experiencing the terrible feeling I had with my late grandma. I can't bare the thought of

losing my other one.

The guilt has started to dig into my heart.I'm running out of time

now. I didn't do good things to her  yet, I have always been

planning to visit her more frequently; but never did. I have

planned to tell her stories to amuse her, coz she is lonely since she

is an old blinded women with no doughters but one grand-

doughter taking care of her; and she is alone most of the time in

her room.

Several months ago, she would  remember what I would do to her,

she would feel it. Now, she doesn't remember anything. No good

things are to be remembered now. I feel guilty. I have wasted all that time.

My heart, is almost...almost teared into halfs. I have more tears inside my eyes than anyone can ever imagine.

I can't bare the guilt. I know these few coming years are the last years of her life. I'm saying good-bye

already.