Happy Day

What a happy day I had today!! It's officially our first day in vacation, only two-weeks break for the Adha

Eid, and my family decided to go camping! but there is no mountains near our city :) it's a desert...and it was damn cold ukkkkkkk !

Great timing coz I was about to go mad over all of the things I had to go through! worrying over my mom's health, worrying over my school, and recently worrying over my grandma! Waoof !!! What a strong head that was able to keep all these things inside! But I'm having a happy day today

:)

The peace I needed so much during this tough time came to me only through keeping God inside my heart..I kept thinking God is with me.. will never leave me alone..I figured out that may be I should work harder so 

I can be on a near level to reach God. For further explaination, I decided that I will do more of  good things to people on a dialy basis, and  in my heart I wish God accept them so He answer all of my prayers: I go to the supermarket everyday and buy some juice and cup-cakes and on the way back I give them to any worker-lady I see, coz usually they are poor and they work hard in cleaning up the university and they don't have time to eat something except for a humble breakfast in the morning, and I know this is nothing but at least I'm doing good things...I would do anything to be a good person in front of God

See...this is the thing we learn from ever since KG, that God is with us all the time and that He hears and watch us with each heart-beat for the rest of of our lives. Therefore, I know He is with me. If He is not, then I wonder who created us? this world? and what is the purpose?  This amazing work must've been the work of HIM

The days I can't keep my promise, I instead devote two minutes of my time to have an immediate contact with God through the prayer at night, this is basically the way Muslims reach God: in a direct way. And I put all my hopes in God to keep me all together to face this life

If you think that I'm having serious problems, I'd say I'm the most lukiest person on earth for I've been blessed with so many things that I'm thankful for; but I just observe life from a serious perspective. I'm only twenty and I'm totally a normal college girl who is totally obsessed with Asain dramas, and pretty much a shopholic one, love shopping to death, and I totally RocK :) It's just that I'm not shallow...I believe in my identity, and I'm just trying to live a good life, a life that combines both fun with rational way of living

I originally created this blog, to share with you the lesson that I everyday observe, and I use the verb "observe" coz those lessons are never obvious to us..we either learn them through experiencing them ourselves or from other people who did. So, I guess I I'm doing an extra good thing here :)

Guilty

I had to re-feel it one more time..I have another grandmother. She used to check on my nails, are they cut

or kept long, everytime I visit her, since we don't live together. I am accostamed to that regular check now,

even though I resent it, hate it, and wonder about its significane to my grandmother!

But on this previous Wednesday, no nails were checked. What a weird hour I spent with grandma! There

was somehing else that makes it even stranger; but I couldn't tell immediately. She looked too thin, thinner

than a stick. Her hands were all bones covered by skin. My grandma looks too old than my last visit to her

several months ago.

I had another grandmother who passed away couple of years ago, still smell her everytime I walk in to her

room; and my alive grandma looks just like her now.

Mainly, I was visiting my sick father, and during all the time, he couldn't sit right where he was: he needed to

be next to his mother. I have seen my father so close to his mother, but that Wednesday my dad was too

compassionate with her. At one point, I asked him if he would like me to raise the voice of the TV and he

said yes; so I went to the TV to do so and while doing that I heard my grandma asking my dad of his name!

I just stared at her and forgot about the botton I'm pointing at. My dad noticed that I've heard her and just

gave me a quick glance: like he didn't want me to know that my grandmother is having Zohaimar.

Two days after that, never occured to my mind that topic. But on Friday, during a shower I just took; I

collapsed. I'm now experiencing the terrible feeling I had with my late grandma. I can't bare the thought of

losing my other one.

The guilt has started to dig into my heart.I'm running out of time

now. I didn't do good things to her  yet, I have always been

planning to visit her more frequently; but never did. I have

planned to tell her stories to amuse her, coz she is lonely since she

is an old blinded women with no doughters but one grand-

doughter taking care of her; and she is alone most of the time in

her room.

Several months ago, she would  remember what I would do to her,

she would feel it. Now, she doesn't remember anything. No good

things are to be remembered now. I feel guilty. I have wasted all that time.

My heart, is almost...almost teared into halfs. I have more tears inside my eyes than anyone can ever imagine.

I can't bare the guilt. I know these few coming years are the last years of her life. I'm saying good-bye

already.

Weird Day upon Weird Life

It's Thursday morning right now as I write, but I'm still not yet done with Wednesday. What a weird Wed !!
My older half-brother visited me all the sudden with the news of my father's sudden sikness, so I knew I had to go. I brought with me flowers with lots of different kinds of chocolate and mostly the "Maamoul" that Saudies are famous with. I bought the Mamoul for my grandmother. I have been through this once before, besides, I'm an adult now, I can handle seeing my father like that. I rarely see him in the first place, but now I have twice seen him weak.

My strong, tall, well-shaped feature man, is now sitting in front of me, with his body litraly been cut into halfs. I have never seen something quite like that in my whole life. I have never seen a man so sick, as how my father looked yesterday.

I didn't know what to feel exactly? Am I sad? Am I almost in tears? Am I paling, understand nothing about what exactly is happenning? Am I feeling for my father-am I his doughter? Is he is my father?

I couldn't identify it to be certain, I felt extremely sorry for him, never imagined that that could happen in a normal Wednesday, however, I felt like an outsider, as if am visiting my second relative, may be even more far than just that!

What a waste of life !!  What a waste of a father!! What a waste of a doughter!
It's too late to go back and collect our remainings. There is no way, my father and I can catch it up and re-do it agian. This relationship is imposible from the beginning.

It's sad, that my dad is not able to see me, nor appreciate me. He didn't seem to be caring about me much, even though my half-brother told me that when my father was in the hospital this week; he asked about me, and therefore he sent my half-brother to bring me to him. 

The way my dad cares about me is a way that I don't believe is the right way. I see how he treats my half-brothers, and I see how he treats me. I do my best and he does what he is able to do.

The whole time during my visit, I showed my generousity to the best I can, then I was ignored, and then I returned home, not even once been asked the same questions that he asked his other kids.

I just recognized how life is weird. Lives are been ruined for the rest of their lives. Who is to blame when a child spends his whole childhood and all his life without a father? Who is to blame? 

Ironically, I don't blame dad, nor do I blame anybody else! If I blame him then I wouldn't be kind with him.
Life is being weird, to show us what normal: If we know what is normal directly, then we wouldn't have to live this weirdness!

?Are You Truely You

I woke up this morning and decided to act myself and be myself from now on

Just as simple as that ^^

I have abserved myself lately..And I'm becoming like them!

I've noticed that I'm starting to become all that I hated in some people:

caring only about what other people might think of me 24/7

caring only about my appearance, and not in a good way, I mean, I'm becoming materialistic; I keep wondering all the time, "Do I look like them?"

Everything that I've hated about them

But that's it!

I'm going to ride that bus and go to college, and be who I actually am.

I wear make-up, but only wear it for myself esteem.

Enough with expectations..Enough with fakeness..

So I went to college today..I put my honest and pure smile on my face: sure I had the thought of being an outsider..I thought may be it's too risky to act like me in fron of them!

But then, what made me calm down is when a question occured to my mind, "Would you really wanna meet someone like you who is never relaxed around people, and would act the way he/she wrongly think they  would accept?"

"What un ugly character! Who would put a mask on his face only because other people are wearring it?"

I thought to myself. I mocked my fake-me, "I would never like to meet a person like that!" .

It's my first day back to my true-me

go easy on me ^^

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In Quraan, Allah says that all human beings are a 100% equal. The only difference between them is

the goodness and the virtuality they have in their hearts.